Forgiveness is a difficult choice, but it opens up a new way to live where grace, faith, and peace have soil to put down roots and flourish in your soul.
Resentment is a much easier choice to make when we are hurt, slighted, disappointed, abused, and neglected – it’s natural, it flows from the wounding. But left unchecked, or when nourished, it takes over your life and chokes the roots of hope, love, and empathy.
To live with joy, we must forgive.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus sums up his teaching on life with God, on living in this earth as it really is with this declaration: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” [Matthew 6.14, NIV]
To navigate our way with the Lord through a world full of darkness, evil people, and unintended consequences, if we refuse to forgive those who sin against us, we will be consumed by it.
When we hold on to bitterness, resentment, revenge, hatred, disappointment, envy, grudges – we separate ourselves from God and those around us. Unforgiveness infects us and affects how we relate to everyone else like a cancer, maybe undetected, but still putting out toxic tentacles that will reveal themselves in a devastating way. It leads to a kind sickness unto death in spirit, mind and body.
Christians believe that in Christ Jesus, God has already forgiven the sins of the world, including your sin. You are already forgiven, if you will believe it.
How do you know you believe it? When you live it.
We are motivated to forgive by many factors, but one of them is that we have already been given much grace, and we’ll know that we treasure that grace when we share it with others – who don’t deserve it, just as we didn’t deserve it.
How often should we forgive those who sin against us?
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” [Matthew 18.21-22, NIV]
Jesus says “77 times.” A lot. As much as needed.
Lewis Smedes in The Art of Forgiving (one of the best books out there on the matter) observes that the work of forgiveness includes: rediscovering the humanity of the person who hurt us; surrendering our right to get even; revising our feelings toward the person who hurt us. This is ongoing work, not a one-time occurrence.
If you’re in a place where you’re struggling to forgive yourself or others, and not sure how to do it, get this book. 
According to Smedes, here are some statements on what forgiveness is NOT:
- Forgiving someone who did us wrong does NOT mean that we tolerate the wrong he did.
- Forgiving does NOT mean we want to forget what happened.
- Forgiving does NOT mean we excuse the person who did it.
- Forgiving does NOT mean we take the edge off the evil of what was done to us.
- Forgiving does NOT mean we surrender our right to justice.
- Forgiving does NOT mean we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.
It took many years for me to forgive the drunken young mother who drove head on into my brother on the highway, killing him instantly. It was easy to hate and resent her. It was easy to forget about her. It was easier to focus on bringing good out of this tragedy. It was painful to learn how to forgive her.
Forgiveness is extraordinarily difficult if you don’t know how to do it. It’s a learned practice, a spiritual discipline, a toil of the soul, a labor of love.
A book that helped me with this specific tragedy was The Shack, by William Paul Young. What helped me most was the beautiful and compelling portrayal of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
To be forgiven by God is to experience an unfathomably deep, oceanic love. To forgive is to let that vast and beautiful love be grace-fully poured out on others through you.
Let’s learn to forgive.
Every day.